dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
