I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
