And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
