Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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