Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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