She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize