Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize