I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
