I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
