You really coming over, don't trick.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
