he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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