god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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