you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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