It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
