I just pynch a tree in the face
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
