I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
