you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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