that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
