I like to think it a success when the cops are called
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
