Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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