covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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