I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
