You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
