I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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