I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
