I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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