I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
