i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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