she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
