Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
