He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
