even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
