am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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