a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
