He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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