wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just found a bag of teeth...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
