Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
