I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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