please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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