I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
