Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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