You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
