Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
