WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
