i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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