Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Randomize
