I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
