Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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