No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
