I faked an abortion last night.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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