between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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