so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
