It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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