Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Jerry, you need to find god
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm getting married
To pizza
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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