Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
